I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
