I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
