Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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