plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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