What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
