I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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