I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
