Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
