Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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