So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
