i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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