Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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