Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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