um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
