guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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