I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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