:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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