The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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