My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
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