dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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