he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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