She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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