just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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