you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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