You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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