you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
