i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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