So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
