shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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