remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
