The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
