You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
