yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
