Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
