and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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