I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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