fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
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Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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