Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
