Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
