They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
