Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
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I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
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I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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