When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
