If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
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I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
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He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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