Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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