i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
