my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
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Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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