Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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