he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
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or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
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If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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