His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
