do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
