does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
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It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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