Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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