We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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