you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
