Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
