Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
