I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
